Never gone....

Well here it is. My dark day.
If you're a Gilmore Girls fan, you'll like the Luke reference.
If not, I'm sure you understand.

18 years ago at this moment, my mother was beginning the last hour or so of her short life.
She died around 1 am on December 9, 1990.

I can't believe it's been 18 years. My sister said today 'that's a lifetime'. It's true.
My middle sister has now lived twice as long without our mother as she did with her. I passed that point 4 years ago.

I wish that with time it'd get easier. But it seems every year, without fail, December 9th comes and the tears start. They come and they come, and I think I'll run out eventually, but usually I don't. They last most of the day. Sometimes I watch movies or listen to music that makes me think of her, because it's a good release to cry for me.

My sister said today we need to celebrate her life. I wish I could. I don't know how yet. All I can do is cry. It hurts every day of my life, but this day I'm frozen. I don't want to be happy. I just want to cry. And cry and cry and cry. So that's what I do. I know it's not healthy, but I can't help it.

I barely remember her. I was 7 years old. How am I supposed to remember her if I barely knew her? I have very few memories of her, and most of them I think I made up, or was told. I hate it. I want to remember her. I want to have a vision of my mother. And I don't.

I know it happened for a reason...I know it made me who I am today. I wouldn't have this amazing drive to make her proud. I wouldn't life each day to its fullest. I wouldn't appreciate the people and things in my life so much. I know all this.
But it hurts. So much.


I love you Mommy. I miss you so much more and more every day. I wish you were here to watch all my dreams come true. I wish you were here to see your husband graduate college soon. I wish you could have seen your three daughters graduate college, too. I wish you were here to hug me. To hold me when I'm sad. I wish you could see me make something of my life.
I hope you're proud of me. Everything I've ever achieved has been for you. I hope I'm showing the world how beautiful you were.

Rest in peace, my beautiful angel.
I love you.
♥ Renay Evelyn Deerwester Ramirez ♥
9/11/57-12/9/90

♥♥♥♥♥

All the doors are closing-I'm trying to move ahead.
And deep inside I wish it's me instead.
My dreams are empty from the day-the day you slipped away.

I just want you to know.
That I've been fighting to let you go.
Some days I make it through.
And then there's nights that never end.
I wish that I could believe.
That there's a day you'll come back to me.
But still I have to say.
I would do it all again.
Just want you to know...

That since I lost you-I lost myself.

♥♥♥♥♥

Momma....you gave life to me.
You turned a baby into a lady.
And momma...all you had to offer was the promise of a lifetime of love.
Now I know there is no other love like a mother's love for her child.
And I know a love so complete someday must leave must say goodbye.
Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear.
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near.
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry.
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye.
Momma....you gave love to me.
You turned a young one into a woman.
And momma....all I ever needed was a guarantee of you loving me.

♥♥♥♥♥

It seems like just yesterday I was laughing with you.
Playing games at Grandma's house-well you taught me well didn't you.
I hope I'm just like you.
And do they have radios in heaven?
I hope they do.
Cause they're playing my song on the radio...and I'm singing it to you.

♥♥♥♥♥

She showed me love and all the ways of God
Her final days were spent in bed
Then she passed away
I won't forget her smiling face when she left us that night.

But I still miss you
All the times we spent together
To hear you talk about the weather
I always prayed you'd get well soon
I wish my prayer came true
I know that Jesus has the answer
But I still miss you.

If dreams came true just one more chance to talk to you.
And thank you for the time you spent teaching me the truth.

I need some help to carry on.
I need some strength to keep me strong.

♥♥♥♥♥

The things we did
The things we said
Keep coming back to me and make me smile again
You showed me how
To face the truth
Everything that's good in me
I owe to you
Though the distance that's between us
Now may seem to be too far
It will never separate us
Deep inside I know you are

Never gone
Never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close
Every day
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've got to say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life.
Never gone.

I walk along
These empty streets
There is not a second you're not here with me
The love you gave
The grace you showed
Will always give me strength
And be my cornerstone
Somehow you found a way
To see the best I have in me
As long as time goes on I swear to you that you will be.

Never gone
Never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close
Every day
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've got to say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life.

Never gone from me.
If there's one thing I believe...
I will see you somewhere down the road again.

Never gone.♥